Aliens

Trucks and Golf

Husband:  My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home! Sheriff:  Height?     Husband:  I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall. Sheriff:  Weight?   Husband:  Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.                                                                       Sheriff:  Colour of eyes? Husband:  Sort of brown I think.  Never really noticed. Sheriff:  Colour of hair?  Husband:  Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sheriff:  What was she wearing? Husband:  Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sheriff:  What kind of car did she go in? Husband:  She went in my truck. Sheriff:  What kind of truck was it?

Husband:  A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate-controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.  It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting. 

At this point the husband started choking up. 

 Sheriff:  Take it easy sir, we'll  find your truck!   

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A Miracle Just Happened

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, “What happened to you?” “Well, the man said, “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look around; I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it- stuck in the middle of the cow’s butt. Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ I don’t remember much after that!”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Big Things

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.   

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"  

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!  Please Doc, what's the good news?"

 "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

         My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

 "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.  Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Be Positive

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 
   
80% held up their hands.  The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.  
   
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"  
   
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.  
   
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.  How old are you?"  
   
"Ninety-eight," he replied  The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.  
   
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"  
   
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all those assholes."

Then he calmly returned to his seat.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Common Fallacies

Husband:  My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home! Sheriff:  Height?     Husband:  I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall. Sheriff:  Weight?   Husband:  Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.                                                                       Sheriff:  Colour of eyes? Husband:  Sort of brown I think.  Never really noticed. Sheriff:  Colour of hair?  Husband:  Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sheriff:  What was she wearing? Husband:  Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sheriff:  What kind of car did she go in? Husband:  She went in my truck. Sheriff:  What kind of truck was it?

Husband:  A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate-controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.  It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting. 

At this point the husband started choking up. 

 Sheriff:  Take it easy sir, we'll  find your truck!   

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Still Lost

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Global Warming

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife  was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.The next  morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my  underwear?' She  replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kick In The Nuts

 I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then.. Try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but..

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Golfer Beware

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer. "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know Then I thought, why not make the best of it?" "So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes." "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!" "Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" “Not everybody pays."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

True Friends...A Joke...And More

 TRUE FRIENDS TRUE FRIENDS TRUE FRIENDS TRUE FRIENDS TRUE FRIENDS TRUE FRIENDS TRUE FRIENDS TRUE FRIENDS

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.
"Hello Eeyore," said Pooh.
"Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet," said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.
"We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay."
Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now."
Pooh looked at Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.
Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?"
"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."
"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.
Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more; no less.
[and, sometimes that’s all it takes]
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The above came in an email and I thought it was worth sharing.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

AND NOW YOU KNOW

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Photo Corner

Jekyll Island is located off the coast of the U.S. state of Georgia, in Glynn County. It is one of the Sea Islands and one of the Golden Isles of Georgia barrier islands. The island is owned by the State of Georgia and run by a self-sustaining, self-governing body.

Linda says,  "Have a Quality Time Day"