Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Be Positive


Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 
   
80% held up their hands.  The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.  
   
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"  
   
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.  
   
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.  How old are you?"  
   
"Ninety-eight," he replied  The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.  
   
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"  
   
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all those assholes."

Then he calmly returned to his seat.
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Common Fallacies

Husband:  My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff:  Height?    
Husband:  I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff:  Weight?  
Husband:  Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.                                                                      
Sheriff:  Colour of eyes?
Husband:  Sort of brown I think.  Never really noticed.
Sheriff:  Colour of hair? 
Husband:  Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff:  What was she wearing?
Husband:  Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff:  What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:  She went in my truck.
Sheriff:  What kind of truck was it?

Husband:  A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate-controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.  It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting. 
At this point the husband started choking up. 


 Sheriff:  Take it easy sir, we'll  find your truck!   
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Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Still Lost



As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
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Sunday, September 22, 2019

Joe Conservative

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.
All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance -- now Joe gets it, too.
He prepares his morning breakfast: bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.
In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.
Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air.
He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.
Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.
If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment checks because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.
It is noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.
Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe also forgets that in addition to his federally subsidized student loans, he attended a state funded university.
Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards to go along with the taxpayer funded roads.
He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans.
The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.
He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.
Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved conservatives have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have." 
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What Does A Bear Do In The Woods





Shake off Your Problems
A man’s favorite donkey falls into a deep precipice. He can’t pull it out no matter how hard he tries. He therefore decides to bury it alive.
Soil is poured onto the donkey from above. The donkey feels the load, shakes it off, and steps on it. More soil is poured.
It shakes it off and steps up. The more the load was poured, the higher it rose. By noon, the donkey was grazing in green pastures.
After much shaking off (of problems) And stepping up (learning from them), One will graze in GREEN PASTURES.
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Saturday, September 21, 2019

Global Warming


One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife  was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.The next  morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my  underwear?' She  replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
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