Trucks and Golf

Husband:  My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home! Sheriff:  Height?     Husband:  I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall. Sheriff:  Weight?   Husband:  Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.                                                                       Sheriff:  Colour of eyes? Husband:  Sort of brown I think.  Never really noticed. Sheriff:  Colour of hair?  Husband:  Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sheriff:  What was she wearing? Husband:  Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sheriff:  What kind of car did she go in? Husband:  She went in my truck. Sheriff:  What kind of truck was it?

Husband:  A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate-controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.  It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting. 

At this point the husband started choking up. 

 Sheriff:  Take it easy sir, we'll  find your truck!   

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A Miracle Just Happened

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, “What happened to you?” “Well, the man said, “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look around; I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it- stuck in the middle of the cow’s butt. Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’ I don’t remember much after that!”

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The Big Things

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.   

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"  

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!  Please Doc, what's the good news?"

 "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

         My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

 "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.  Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

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Be Positive

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 
   
80% held up their hands.  The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.  
   
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"  
   
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.  
   
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.  How old are you?"  
   
"Ninety-eight," he replied  The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.  
   
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"  
   
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all those assholes."

Then he calmly returned to his seat.

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Common Fallacies

Husband:  My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home! Sheriff:  Height?     Husband:  I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall. Sheriff:  Weight?   Husband:  Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.                                                                       Sheriff:  Colour of eyes? Husband:  Sort of brown I think.  Never really noticed. Sheriff:  Colour of hair?  Husband:  Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sheriff:  What was she wearing? Husband:  Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sheriff:  What kind of car did she go in? Husband:  She went in my truck. Sheriff:  What kind of truck was it?

Husband:  A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate-controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires.  It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting. 

At this point the husband started choking up. 

 Sheriff:  Take it easy sir, we'll  find your truck!   

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Still Lost

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

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